I need some dad help please

[mommy of three angels]

Hello guys,

This is my 1st time writting to you guys for help....
I am a very proud mommy of two little angels.. My 1st baby ( angel marie) was born and was sent to heaven november 21,08 due to potters. We were told it woudnt happen again. Then we tried again, luckly got pregnant and boy did it happen again. My son was born july 29.09 again of potters syndrom. My main question is why does it seem like my b/f doesnt want to be intimate with me any more? We go were we are fine and then all of a sudden it stops.( i apolgiize for the details).... In my heart i feel closer to him when were intimate.... Like i know that nothing could take that away from me...... Jared(my b/f) says he loves me and wants to be close... Hes the type of guy who doesnt talk about his two babies who are gone. That also drives me up a wall.....Any suggestions?

[Casey'smommy]

My boyfriend and I just started going to counseling together since losing Casey. It's for sure that guys deal with their grief differently than we do. It's my boyfriend's attitude that he lost something before he had it and although he knows it's different for me he can't really understand what I'm going through. The only people that can truly appreciate our pain and sorrow are the people on this site who have felt it themselves. Guys don't bond with babies in most cases until after they are born and if they don't have that chance to bond then it's easier for them to let it go. For us who carried these children and loved them since they were conceived it's harder and makes us feel alone. As far as the intimacy issues I'm sorry to hear that you two are having trouble in that area. I don't think there is any advice I can give you about that besides talk to him. You will have to find out from him why he can't go through with it. He is the only one who knows. It could be almost anything. Good luck, let me know if you need anything at all. We are all here for you.
Jessica

[C.S. Hoppe]

As a father, I can relate a bit to Jared.

After we lost Benjamin, my wife wanted to start trying as soon as she could. I wasn't ready. The pain was to raw. We (men) might be attaching being intimate to causing ourselves and our loved ones pain. And that's hard. Over the last year, I battled for a while with that same issue. I don't know what changed, and I haven't gone through it twice but the fear is there. My wife is pregnant again right now and despite the doctors saying things look good as of now, I'm still very scared.

[mommy of three angels]

Thank you to everyone who has responsed to my pleas for help. I can see how jared never bonded with angel but with jessie he did... There is only so much talking i can do before im really ready to explode. I often wonder if he secretly doesnt find me attractive any more.. If he even loves me the same, since I and my body had failed him twice loosing his babies???

[C.S. Hoppe]

I hope Jared comes around and realizes that you and your body didn't fail him. In fact, this is the time when you need each other the most.

Sometimes it's hard not to see it that way, but nothing that happen is your fault. Nature/God whomever you believe in chooses what happens and we have to make the best with the situation we've been given.

The bond that you and Jared have with your children is something that will never be replicated.

If you were to ask me if my attraction to my wife changed a bit after our experience I would probably say yes. But it has come back around. Part of it with Jared, may be that he's seen this happen twice, and can't bear the pain of it happening again, to him or to you.

Have you two gone to any Compassionate Friends meetings in your area? if not I would suggest going a few times. And I hope that the chapter near you has people in similar situations. My wife and I went for a while twice a month, and it helped. We now go occasionally and it's really nice to be able to sit down and talk with others who have lost children.

I wish you two the best.

[mommy of three angels]

Your words of kindness is extremely nice.......
I have heard of compashionet friends but have never gone.. I think id like to go. Jared and i do go to a support group meeting once a month. That has helped a little...
All Jared has ever said to me is he wants to make sure that i am healthy and that i am ok.... Ill never be ok till im with my children and one in my arms....