you can have more kids!!! the wrong thing to say to a parent of an Angel

[Sheree.Kaye]

I am feel very annoyed right now. It has been 3 weeks since Jordan Louise was born into heaven. I have had wonderful support but have found that some people say the worng thing. a few people have actully said to me "your young, you can have more kids" really? I don't know what to say when someone says this to me. Do they actully thing that is helpful, that more kids will somehow take away the pain of loosing my little girl? that I want to replace her? I wish people would just say nothing at all..then that! have anyone eles had people say the wrong thing to you? thanks for listening to me vent!

[macsquad33]

I'm so sorry you had someone say this to you. Yes, we all know we can more than likely have more children....but....we wanted that child....the child we lost. Why don't people understand??!! I know you are very early in your grief, I just passed the one year mark. I am currently pregnant again and still struggle with this daily. I still want Murray back, so matter what the Lord brings to me in the future. I get it - if you need any of us, please let us know. Hugs and prayers to you tonight. God Bless you my angel mommy friend!

[JillinGA]

I am so sorry for your having to deal with such an inconsiderate comment.
Unfortunately, I think all of us Mommies to Angles have heard that phase, and others.
It is soooo frustrating that people think our babies are replaceable.
We know they are not!!!
They just don't get it!

[momofanangel]

I have gotten that comment plus the comment,'well at least you have other children.' What people who haven't been through this don't realize is there will always be a Gracelynn-shaped hole in my heart. It will never be filled. It stops hurting as much but there will always be unexpected jabs of pain from time to time. ((hugs))

[Madge]

Somebody here gave the analogy about losing ONE parent. We would never tell the person who lost a mother "Well, at least your dad is still alive."

If you are up to it, it is not out of line for you to respond with something like, "Perhaps I can have more babies, but I wanted to take Jordan home with me. I wanted to watch her grow up. She can't ever be replaced with another baby. I wanted HER."

Some people really think they are saying something helpful---they don't realize it hurts. I also didn't/don't like the line, "It's for the best." :mad:

[Kirk Kief]

If you are up to it, it is not out of line for you to respond with something like, "Perhaps I can have more babies, but I wanted to take Jordan home with me. I wanted to watch her grow up. She can't ever be replaced with another baby. I wanted HER."


Education can go a long ways in reducing the number of comments that add to your pain.

[MelanieC]

I know that I have heard that phrase or even get asked about having other kids.. it frustrates me because I honestly think people dont know what to say or understand what we are going thru

[Laine]

Most people just look at the ground with me and say 'sorry' and walk away. I am AMA (advanced maternal age) so they don't often offer that I can always have more children. But I do get the 'oh, something must have been wrong with her b/c of your age' and 'it's natures way of fixing something that was wrong'. Those two statements have literally made me have to walk away from people so that I don't punch them out. I carry enough guilt but my age had NOTHING to do with the fact that my baby girl's cord had knots in it. And her death had nothing to do with nature, because there was NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING wrong with my sweet angel. Usually I try to say something along that lines that will be productive and educate others, but sometimes there are just people that are plan stupid and I am SO sorry that you are having to find that. Being in this place 'sucks'. I'm sorry, can you tell that today is my angry day.

Big hugs to you!

[Austin's Momma]

I actually had someone say the exact same thing to me. The girl brought a prayer blanket she had made for me...so it was a very sweet gesture and it was really nice of her to come over. While we were sitting in the living room, she said, "It's good you're young and have plenty of time to have more kids." Ya, great!? I think people want to say things to lift our spirits and make us feel better. But there really isn't much of a bright side to this kind of loss, and I think it's hard for people to feel helpless. But you're right, it would be better if they kept those two cents to themselves! Hang in there...We're here for you to vent whenever you need to. ~Sarah

[cartersmomanddad]

Our pastor's message at the funeral was actually about this exact thing! He and his wife had a stillborn little girl 18 years ago. He sad that when people say ridiculous things like that...it is their own way of grieving. When they see us, it triggers grief in their minds. They don't know what to say to us. Really, what can someone say? So, I too have had people say things to me that make me want to punch them in the face but I try to remember that they are not trying to hurt me, they just don't know what to do or say.

[Mackenzie's Mommy]

I had someone say this to me at Mackenzie's veiwing and it offended me because this person saw Mackenzie sick at the hospital. I think people think they are helping and don't really realize what they are saying. I said, as of right now, no, we'll adopt. I think she got the hint. When people say these kinds of things, its best to kind of distance yourself for a while. My own MIL thought her pain was so much more than my husbands and mine and we needed to fill a void for everyone and start trying for another baby, so distance went a LONG way. You'll find no matter how long its been, people always have something to say. Just remember, that unless they have experienced this loss, they just don't get it. Best wishes to you!

[izzysmommy]

i've had some real doozies as well.... "so are you getting over this yet?" "how time has flown by" , "just have another baby, it will help"
i try to ignore questions like these. sometimes it works, other times i have to just walk away and remind myself that people don't know what to say. and that i would rather other people to not "get" this... b/c if they don't get it then it means that they haven't gone through this, and i never want anyone to go through this.

hope your day gets better and you're around some better thinking people.

beccah

[Abigailsmommy]

Yep, I had a similar situation when I came back to work. When we first got pregnant I was less than thrilled because we were not expecting it and at the time we were living with my husbands parents. So our situation was not ideal for bringing another child into the world. My boss knew how I was feeling when I first got pregnant and after we lost Abbi and I came back to work she looked at me and said well maybe you had to lose her to realize you really did want more children. I just sat there and wanted to cry. I never wanted to lose her !!!! I really wanted to just jump over her desk and choke her. Some people can be really cruel even if they are oblivious to the fact that they are doing it.

[signer]

I have heard every line possible. Working in a daycare, you would think that people would be sensitive to my loss. That is an understatement. My boss told me on my first day back to work, remind you that I only took a week off work, that this was the best thing that could have happened. Excuse me? Best thing that could have happened?! Are you kidding me?
My own OB/GYN went on to tell me at my visit after losing her that I am young, I can have more. **** it, people I do not want more I want Isabelle! Time helps, but it will never make the pain of losing my child go away.

[linda]

I've had very hurtful things said to me but the most hurtful was a co-worker said I understand I lost my dog last year! REALLY!!!! That's the same....

Sometimes I think people are at a loss for words and stupid stuff just spills out of their mouths.

I'm so sorry this has been said to you! Please know that your sweet baby girl is thought of, remembered and loved by many! May you over time find comfort and peace in this horrible journey.

Thinking of you and praying for you today!

[signer]

You have to be kidding me, really someone would really think that losing there dog would be similar to losing your son. Oh, do we need to educate our society. That just irrates me. I don't know if you contained yourself or not, but if you did, you are a much bigger person than me. I would have let them have it.

[schambers]

I'm sorry someone said that to you. I know it's not easy to hear things like that. I do think that people say things to be a comfort not knowing that they are hurting us more then helping us. I share in the feeling hat I hope they never know the pain of losing a child.

I know losing your dog is not the same to a lot of people but my "doggie daughter" Macy is the only earthly child that I have at the moment. She was there to comfort me when I lost both of my heavenly children, Alyssa and Tyler and she is just as much a part of my family. The day we have to say goodbye to Macy will be so hard. I know most people would say it's not the same as losing a child but to me it will be. I know other people view it differently and that's ok but Macy is my child too.

[rosedylansmommy]

People never know how to react to this tragedy. Before my own, I had never known another family to lose a baby to stillbirth. I wouldn't have known what to say. So now I just say, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Most people don't know what you are going through. But here, we do. You will probably hear other responses that will hurt you, but you know in your heart how much you love and miss your child. I try not to let them get to me or bother me. They say what they think might comfort you.