My Aching Husband

[CMatros]

Lately it seems as though I don't do anything right and my husband is constantly depressed. I am on Zoloft for depression which has helped but Nic always says "people are so worried about making sure the mom is ok....what about the fathers???" There is nothing that I have done wrong except TRY to be here for him. He doesn't want the support/grief groups....one minute he is fine then the next he is flying off the handle because of nothing....last weekend it was because I didn't set the alarm so we could go to Old Country Buffet for breakfast....what do I have next to look forward to??? Any dads out there who are in this situation??? Or wives for that matter??? I know he is depressed...this was his baby girl....but I don't know what else to do. I am so happy that I found this site....at least it will help me cope. Like I have said before, we are only 26 and have already buried our first child.

[Kirk Kief]

Carrie,
I'm not in your situation, and I'm not going to try and let on as though I can imagine the pain you and your husband are feeling. I can say, you are both in my prayers, and heavy in my thoughts.
No two people grieve alike. Everyone handles it differently, and their actions will differ like night and day. One minute everything can appear to be fine, and the next minute that underlying rage takes hold and manifests itself in erratic fashion. You are both very young, and possibly this is the first experience that one (or both) of you have had to face the passing of someone very close to you. And, when it is a child, the feelings are magnified a hundred fold.
You will never get over this loss. You will learn to cope, and you will, in time (a lot of time) learn to continue on with your lives. However, you will always be the parents to Angel Anna Grace (what a gorgeous name) and your love for her will never change.
Give your husband a lot of time, as you will need this also. Don't expect for him to return to normal anytime soon. Just as you are hurting, he is too. Only problem, is that for a man, or at least most men, we have a really hard time with dealing with this pain. We feel that we have to show this tough facade, while our insides are being chewed up with despair, anger, and rage.
Continue to show him support, but be careful not to patronize him.
He is right. The Fathers are in as much pain as the Mothers. Remember that and share your grief with him, so he can learn to share his grief with you.
I pray this all makes some sense.

[HAINAngel2000]

I wish I would have had this place when we lost Mariah. You know my husband Brian always tried to be strong for me. He let me cry a million tears a night on him and he always seemed like the strong one. I knew he hurt but he just never really said anything to me about it. (not in a cold way) well one day a friend of ours came up to me in private and had talked to Brian just like regular guy talk then I guess Brian broke down into tears and cried until he couldn't anymore.
When I learned of this I cried and cried some more. I had felt so alone, feeling in away that I wanted to see him cry for his daughter so he could heal some. And I was so worried about him and in away needed to see I wasn't alone. I know that sounds wierd but at the time I needed that kind of support. Well after that something changed in me. I felt so much closer to him.
Yes in time the pain though never completely gone, it will not be as such a burn like it is right now.
I am also praying for you!-Mary

[Cheryl Haggard]

Carrie,
Have you both thought about getting away together, and going somewhere, even if it is just a hotel in your city? After Maddux died, my husband and I took a trip to Jamaica. I wasn't excited about going, but when we got there, it was really nice. There were no commitments, and we were just able to be husband and wife again. This is actually where we made love again for the first time after Maddux's death.
I know this information is so personal, but it is also so important...
I truly believe that Mike and I are a much closer couple now. And more aware of eachothers feelings. Be aware of eachothers feelings. Cry, Laugh, get Mad...These are all normal. Just remember that you love eachother, and that you need eachother. Lean on your husband, and let him lean on you. You will both be the support that eachother needs...
Try to find a support group in your area. Even if your husband doesn't attend with you, you might find that eventually he may go...
I truly hope this helps, and again you are both in my thoughts and prayers. Please call if you need to talk...
((HUGS)) Cheryl

[Jessi Hill]

I agree with Cheryl- Get away if at all possible. Even if it is overnight... although a week is much better. After we lost Tristan we left for Canada following his funeral. It was a difficult trip, but it did help us get away from all of the pity looks from others, the constant... "how are you doing?" etc... Which at that point I was ready to strangle the next person who asked me... even IF their intentions were good. (I mean come on.... how do you think a person is doing after losing their baby??) It did help us a lot... there was no one else to comfort the other, so we HAD to support eachother!

You are both in my thoughts and prayers. It is difficult for us, because men tend to be SO intraverted with their emotions, but really they are there too. They hurt just like we do, it just comes out different. My husband was very similar in the fact that he was able to go on with life much faster.

[Catherine Colgan]

I don't want to step on any toes here, so please forgive me if this isn't acceptable here...

A friend wrote and performed a one-man play about the stillbirth of his son...from his perspective (I Hate This is the title of the play). He also writes a blog (though he does have a subsequent son, so be aware of that). I took my husband to see the play (he was very reluctant to go) and I found that it has helped him a lot to know that he is not alone.

You can find the radio version of the play at http://www.davidhansen.org/radio.html

It might help.

[Erica Stone]

I think that most men feel the need to be "strong" and not show emotion. Tom had a very difficult time letting any emotion come after we learned that there would not be a good outcome with Matthew. I think he went into a protective mode with me (and some denial for himself), trying to stay hopeful and supportive even though the situation was dire. I agree with your husband that often the fathers are forgotten, and it's unfortunate. As women, we have been the focus wheile our partners have had to stand helplessly by, watching and witnessing and not being able to do a thing for us or for the babies we have all lost. And sometimes I think that is worse than what we have been through.

Even through my own grief I understood this and decided that I would do whatever I could for him. He was trying so hard not to show anything and it took a lot of persuading from me that it was OK for him to cry. I mean, if it's not OK for you to be emotional and cry after losing your child, when will it ever be? He kept saying how difficult it was for him to let that tough man thing go, which I'm sure a lot of men have problems with. When he finally did let go I think it was a huge relief for him and for me as well. (In a wierd way, his being upset let me focus on something else for a short time - which I really needed.)

As far as the support group thing goes, I persuaded him to go by explaining that I really needed/wanted to go and I just wanted him to go with me. He didn't have to talk or share anything if he was uncomfortable, but I just wanted to be around some other people who could at least relate to what had happened to us. We only went a couple of times, but I think it helped him more than he realized. Like Cheryl and Jessi, we also decided to take a vacation. It was so immensely helpful for us to be in a different environment for a while and just be together. We had good times and sad times on the trip, but it helped us get back a small piece of ourselves in the process. I really recommend it.

Mostly, I think what is most important is (cliche) communication. Literally. If you are having a bad day/moment/week - say it out loud to him. Tell him that you need him to hug you for five minutes. Have him tell you out loud whan he's having a hard time and exactly what he wants you to do. And do it! If he has a hard time doing that ask him questions. (For instance, explain your feelings about an aspect of what has happened to you and see if he feels the same way.) Don't wait for one another to "figure it out". If one of you snaps at the other for no good reason apologize and say "I'm sorry - I'm having a bad moment right now." That has been a lifesaver for me personally because I'm a "feel your feelings" person and since Matthew died I have a lot of them all the time. Tom didn't know what to do a t first until I told him I didn't want him to fix me or anything - I just wanted him to listen. It will take time for both of you to figure any of this out, but go easy on yourselves. You are one another's best support and comfort.