I am a grieving parent...what NOT to say.

[Cheryl Haggard]

I honestly must say that the support we received after the death of Maddux was overwhelming. We had only lived in our small community of Evergreen Colorado for alittle over a year and a half. Most of our support came from the parents of our childrens classmates. We even received sympathy cards from people we didn't know. Some people had to write on their card, how they knew us. All of my children also received cards from their peers and gift baskets from their classes. This support truly touched all of our hearts.

After the death of Maddux, I met many women in my community and online that shared with me their personal experiences over the death of their babies. I was shocked at some of the responses they received. I would just like to share with the family and friends of a greiving parent what NOT to say:

Don't tell me that "He was only a baby. You didn't have him for that long. Be grateful that it wasn't one of your older children." No matter how short his time was with us, doesn't make his death any less painful.

Do not say to me "That this was God's will." or "That this was meant to be."

Please don't tell me that you "know how I feel." Unless you actually have experienced the death of a baby. And if you have, share your story with me, and please be patient with me while I share mine with you. After all, he is my favorite subject.

Don't tell me that "I should count my blessings with my older children." or "I can always have another baby." The loss of this baby is real. No one can replace him.

Please don't tell me that "It's been _____ months. You should get on with your life." My life will never be the same, and why would I want it to be? I will always carry the heartache of losing my baby. There will always be an emptiness in my heart, and I will always miss him.

Don't tell me that my baby "is in a better place now, or that we have an angel in heaven." Even though I know this, I also know that my baby should be with his mommy and daddy.

And please don't tell me to "Call you if we need anything." Right now we don't know what we need. But any help you are willing to give us would be greatly appreciated.

[Deb Stoner]

You're right. Our lives will never be the same. I don't even remember how I acted before I lost Marah. It is a new reality. I read in a book that if you can visualize it, it would look like two circles. One small circle and a larger circle that encompasses the small circle. The author called it "Ring pass not"-It is a ring pass not my reality any more. Does this make sense?
There are days that I can let things go that people say and there are days that I can blast someone! Watch out for those days, especially if I have not had my chocolate or cheese! ha ha

[Damon Fecitt]

Amen Cheryl!

I found that the people that were most sensitive to our loss were the one's that had lost a close loved one. It was everyone else that felt like they needed to say something that usually spurted something like the examples you gave. It made me angry to hear those comments, but I knew they were trying to be compassionate so I bit my tongue. It's o.k. to say to someone, "I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry." The most helpful thing people said to my wife and I during that time was "You're in our prayers." Knowing that we were in the hearts and prayers of friends, family, and even strangers, was one of the few comforts we felt.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this!

Damon Fecitt
Jacksonville, Florida

[Cheryl Haggard]

Damon,

I so wish I would have personally met with you in Florida. I would have loved to just have given you a big hug, and told you that life will get better. It will just take some time. And not someone else's time, but your own time. Please know that you are in my thoughts. And I am always here, if you need someone to talk to.

[Tiffany Rice]

Wow this is how I felt/feel!

I tried to communicate this with family/friends and was looked at as if I had three heads and of course they went back to the trusty... "God knows best" lines...

I am so glad to hear I am not crazy in how I have dealt with our loss.

[Jessica Henshaw]

It's been a year since I lost my daughter and this is one question I can't stand:

"Are you and your husband going to try again?"

It makes me upset, like they think that because my little girl died in my womb that she doesn't "count". Martina will always be my first born no matter what. Whether we decide to give her a brother or sister is really none of your business so please don't ask.

[motherofthree]

No kidding - I had people asking me that before I even lost Kavya, then again within WEEKS of losing her - a time when I coudn't even think that far into the future - just trying to make it through the day or the hour even.

[momofanangel]

I know, I had someone ask me how old I was(41) and then say that I was still young enough to have another one! We aren't going to try for another one,as a matter of fact,my husband had a vasectomy to try to make sure of it. I would love another baby but I came close to dying with Gracelynn and there would be no guarantee that another pregnancy would be different and I don't want to take that chance because of my other children. We are thinking about Foster Care for infants though. Any thoughts about that or has anyone on here done Foster Care?

[Christine Barrack]

Karen,
I have been a Foster Parent. If you would like to talk about the foster care send me an email at chris_barrack@msn.com (underscore not a space).
BTW, I also have 7 children. One angel and 6 at home! I have adopted three special needs foster children, one private adoption and three birth children.

[Madge]

I would like to add that the wording is important.
I hated hearing, "At least you had eight hours with Dekar." It put me on the defensive, like I didn't appreciate every single moment with him. It would be better to say, "I'm so happy you had eight hours with Dekar." That is much more pleasant.

Also, because I had a diagnosis before delivery, some felt that it made it "easier". It did not make it easier--so please don't say it is "better to know". Every day, every moment I was carrying him, I wondered if Dekar would pass on. I would do it all over again, but it was so hard.