What to do and/or say...

[Cheryl Haggard]

Here are some ideas of what to say and do for a grieving parent and family...

Please let us know that the death of our baby affected you also.

Please let me share my story with you. Over and over again if necessary. Sometimes, I need to keep going over the details until they seem real.

Please send us a card, so we know that you are thinking of us and that we are in your prayers.

If we have other children, please remember them also. They are grieving too. Offer to take them on an outing, because we still can't face the reality "that life goes on."

If you are running errands, please call to see if we need anything.

Please arrange for meals for our family. Something that can be frozen for later would be preferable.

Please don't avoid us. I know it's hard to know the right words to say to me right now, but just being there for me so I can cry on your shoulder, means more to me than you'll ever know.

Please remember our baby on his birthday. A simple card letting us know that you were thinking of him, means so much to us.

Remember the father also. The death of this baby is a great loss for him too. Ask how he is doing. Is there anything you can do for just him.

[Tammy]

Cheryl did a great job covering the basics on things family and friends can do for a family who has experienced the loss of a baby. I would like to share a few more, some elaborate on Cheryl's ideas, some are things that were done for our family and some are ideas from other families, and some my own.

• One of the last things on a grieving parents mind is food and cooking. There are several different gift baskets you could put together for the family. Some ideas may be a gift basket of paper plates, napkins, plastic silverware, kleenex, bathroom tissue etc. Or, a gift basket of snack crackers, cheese and fruit, or vegetables and dip and fruit juice. Home cooked casseroles, cookies and bars the family could serve if they have company over are great ideas too. It was nice to have those "quick and easy" items on hand.
• Offer to come over to throw a load of laundry in the wash, or other light duty house work. This is something I had done for me, and I truly appreciated it.
• Give a gift certificate to the families favorite restaurant, preferably with no expiration date if possible. Or even take out pizza certificates.
• Lending a hand if we have other children. Taking them to school events, or out for a meal, to the park or movie etc.
• Gift basket just for mom. Bubble bath, shower gel, stress relieving soaks, candles, etc. Or lounge clothing and a box of chocolates or other sweet.
• Something for dad. If you know of a project dad's been working on, offer a helping hand. (when time is appropriate) A friend of my husbands bought a case of beer that they polished off together, not sure if it was in one sitting or not. LOL If appropriate, it's an idea.
• Something for the other children (if applicable) gift basket of age appropriate toys, coloring books, reading books or even DVD/VHS movies.
• Purchase a special ornament or figurine with baby's name on it.
• If you think about giving us a call or stopping over for a visit.... don't think about it, just do it. I can't tell you how many people I've had come up to me and say, "I wanted to call you or stop by but...."

It's so very difficult to know what to do, or what to say to a grieving parent. You want to do something, but don't know what. You may feel like it's best to give the family time to grieve. Or there may be feelings of fear of saying the wrong thing, or not knowing what to say at all. These are common, natural human senses, and it's ok. We don't like dealing with difficult situations, plain and simple, so we tend to stay away from them. However, it's at times like these we need our family and friends the most.
As much as you may want to comfort a family member or friend and make the tears stop, unfortunately there is nothing that can be said or done. Just being there for us, and letting us know you are thinking about us, not wanting to run away when we shed our tears truly means alot. This is a difficult task to ask of you, but it also lets us know that you care.

[lizabeth]

I have a mommy that lost their 1st baby to trisomy 13, aside from sending them a card, what else can I send them, since they are so far away from me? Or what else can I do?
Liz

[Tammy]

Lizabeth~If you are comfortable with this, maybe give the family a phone call to let them know you are thinking about them. If they are not aware of NILMDTS, maybe let them know there is an online support group where there are many families who have experienced a loss of a baby. Here, there is a place they can receive support from other parents.

Mailing a gift basket of non-perishable items, a stuffed toy in memory of baby, a special candle... just a few ideas.

[Deb Stoner]

Another idea...
Mark the birthdate of the baby on your calendar so you can send a note or call. I have found that when friends call and say, "I thought of Marah today." it makes me smile. Just to hear the name of my baby or to see it in print gave me some comfort.

[Jessi Hill]

I agree that is does bother me when someone (close to me) doesn't recall my son's birthdate. I do think it would be a nice gesture to have a card sent or a call made on that day to show that they are not forgotten. I think the birthday is more appropriate than the date of loss... that is a personal day for me.

[Megan Kitchin]

Honestly, a simple card or phone call means a lot. So many people shy away from you when your child/children die that just letting them know you are thinking of them and their child, acknowledging their baby's existance, makes a great impact. And maybe call them to talk/listen in a week or so and then in a month or so, for no other reason than to find out how they are doing and to allow them the opportunity to tell you about their baby if they choose.

If you really want to send them something, how about a plant or seedling of some kind...something that they will be able to nurture, watch grow and associate with their child's life.

[Jessi Hill]

Truthfully one of the most memorable things I received as a gift after my son died was a gift certificate for a tree. I picked out a birch and we have it in our backyard... it is a beautiful tree that is doing well. I also received many plants (and they are the only ones I haven't killed with my wonderfully green thumb! LOL)

People really do shy away during your time of loss when you really need them the most, they are afraid to say something wrong, or can't handle their own emotions. I think after gowing through something like the loss of a child you really find out who your true friends are.

[lizabeth]

That is such a great idea, about the tree. I will also e-mail her today and let her know about us here, I had not thought about that.
Now let me ask something else, I have just meet a new friend, that live's just 5 min away from me, and her baby has been diagnose with trisomy 13 also, she will be due in Aug. How can I get her involved in NILMDTS?
Liz

[Jessi Hill]

I would tell her that you know about an organization that provides photography services to people who have babies with special needs who may not make it. (I don't think she would want to hear that it is for only those expected to pass away... I would personally try to sugar coat it a little, because us mommies never give up on our babies no matter how bad we are told it is) Let her know the services we provide and then how to reach NILMDTS photographers in her area... just in case she would want to. Believe me photos are not the first thing that comes to mind when your baby dies, I think I went completely numb... and I don't recall some of it. It is a very stressful time, even if expected and prepared for. I personally do not know a lot about trisomy 13, but have seen several postings of babies who passed from it, so it can't be good news. I will keep her and her family in my prayers. I would encourage your friend to talk to others in similar situations on here... she may not want to at first, but I think at times it is easier to "talk" to people you don't know about the things that are the most difficult. Many of my friends "abandon" me when I lost my son, they had no idea what to do or say so they just disappeared. That is rough. Good luck with getting her to join and thanks for being there for her!