Children Need Healing Too...

[Tammy]

After finishing breakfast this morning, my six year old son wandered into the computer room where I was casually viewing the NILMDTS website. He saw the screen with all the babies photographs, and wanted to know what all their names were. I told him these were the pictures of all the little friends Chase has with him in Heaven. He wanted to see Maddux's video; I proceeded to load it and we watched it together. He then asked to see Chase's video, again I found the link and loaded that. As soon as the music started, my two year old found his way into the computer room and immediately stated, "Baby Chase."
It's amazing to me, how (even at two yrs. old) he correlates the music with his baby brother, and every time we are watching the video, he makes the same statement, "Baby Chase is sleeping." It takes all I have to swallow the tears I feel swelling. I simply say to him, Yes Jacob, Baby Chase is sleeping. (Sleeping in Heaven)Another thing I noticed is while I am watching the video with my kids, Rorey will glance back at me every so often, as if searching for hints of tears. Then with out saying a word, he will lay his head on my shoulder and give me a hug, as if to say, I miss him too mom...
He told me today he was happy that we had this video and these pictures, because whenever he feels like he misses Chase, he can look at them and it makes him feel like he is talking to his baby brother. This helps with his healing.
Out of curiosity, I asked Rorey if he wanted to say anything to Chase what would it be. He thought for a moment and replied, "I would tell him I love him and he is the best brother I could ever have. And I would give him a big kiss and a big hug, but not too hard because he is still just a baby." Then Jacob will say, "I love Baby Chase too!" Yeah~ I'll say it... my kids are great, and are true blessings. I can't help but to think Chase would have followed in the same foot steps of his brothers.
This just goes to show, children need healing too. It's easy to get so wrapped up in our own heartache and grief, we tend to forget (although not intentional) how this experience affects others, especially siblings.

[Deb Stoner]

Tammy, I'm glad to see that you've involved your older boys and told them about baby Chase. Eli did similar things when Marah died. He is typically really wild and always moving, but at the funeral and burial, he just held our hands and put his head on our shoulders. At lunch, however, he let it all hang out! When someone asks Eli how many brothers and sisters he has he will reply that he has 2 sisters and that one is in heaven. He often draws pictures of our family and most of the time Marah is included. When it snows he usually wants to make a snowman for Marah on her grave. I think it's pretty cool! I do think we have to remember their feelings too. There are some great picture books out there that expain death to children. There was one that I thought really well written that spoke of nature and how things die, animals and then finally moved to people. I'll get you the title, if you want. I think we need to be careful how we word things to our kids so they are not scared. Children are so literal. If you tell your boys that Chase is sleeping, they may think that he will come back or if they go to sleep, they may never wake. We talked to a psych a lot about this when Marah died so we could talk to Eli about it with confidence. Your boys surely sound like great big brothers. Kudos to the mommy who raised them!

[Tammy]

That's a very good point, about how we talk to children, thank you for pointing that out Deb. You are right in saying children are so literal, and things said around this particular subject can be very uneasy for them. It's unsettling for all of us, to a point. Yes~ I would like to know the title of the book you mentioned. Thanks a bunch.

[Deb Stoner]

Most books that we found explained the death of pets or grandparents. This one was a little different and helped explain our situation a little better-
Lifetimes by Mellonie
It was very secular and can be shipped from Amazon in 24 hours for 5.83.
I also liked The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscalia (spelling?)
Hope this helps.
Deb

[Cheryl Haggard]

Tammy-Chase, Anna and Natalie, (especially Natalie) used to do the SAME thing with me. They would look at me, to see my reaction. And Natalie is always on the web site. She can hear the Pooh song, and come running. I think I told you this, but during her first week in Kindergarten, she was asked to bring in a family photo. She came home and told me this. I asked her which one she wanted to take, and she looked at me funny, cocked her little head, and said..."Duh!!! The one with Maddux." Anna writes papers in 4th grade about NILMDTS. It is very comforting to them, to have his images throughout our home. Anna told me today she had a pain in her neck. I proceeded to tell her I had a pain in my butt, and it's name was Anna. Then I told her I had one named Chase, Natalie, and even one named Maddux. Just to be able to mention his name, in passing, brings a very comfortable peace...The following weeks are going to be hard on us. I can already feel the stress, but this is a hump that we have to get over. Anna and Nat both have Cheer competitions on Feb 4th, so the day will be busy, but little brother should have been physically there, cheering them on. Now he and his friends will be cheering from Heaven. I can just imagine him pointing to Anna and Nat, proudly, saying to his little buddies... "There are my sisters!!! Aren't they great???"

[Tammy]

And I can just imagine hearing you saying that...*L*
I know Cheryl, you guys are going to have some rough weeks comming up. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and your phone with speed dial, lots of people are here to support, listen and care. (((BIG HUG)))