Flowers or Chocolate...

[Cheryl Haggard]

After Maddux died, we received lots and lots of flowers and plants. Now, don't get me wrong, and please don't take what I am going to write the wrong way, but that's what people do when someone dies, they send flowers.

I used to love flowers. (note the word used...read on...) Please know, I appreciated every note and gift of sympathy. But the smell of the flowers got to be soooooo strong. They literally made me sick to my stomach. I had to ask my sister in law to get rid of them all. ( I literally could not do it.) Then, on Mother's Day, my husband gave me a beautiful display of flowers. The smell of those beautiful flowers, brought me right back to the time that Maddux died. ALL of the memories. (I love looking at flowers, just not smelling them anymore. )

One of the best comforts we received after Maddux died, was a gift box from MRS FIELDS COOKIES. From our friends, the Pepe Family. Lot's of cookies and chocolate. (did you know that chocolate is a comfort food?) My kids loved it.

Another wonderful gesture was from my husband's best friend and his family, the Brown's. They asked if they could make a donation, to our choice of organizations, in Maddux's name. I said yes.

Both of my childrens classroom parents, got together with other parents, and put together little care packages for each of our children. What a WONDERFUL GESTURE!!! Even the PTA sent us a basket of goodies.

So, where am I going with this? As a grieving parent, who better to bring up these small subjects? I would like to hear from other parents, and their thoughts.

When wondering what you can do for a grieving family, think of some of the things above. Try to think "outside" the box. And know that a simple card, or a warm hug is just as great as chocolate!

These flowers are Beautiful, though! Aren't they?

[Sarah O'Neal]

My step son died in car wreck at 19, not as an infant. But...the flower thing, I cannot even stand the smell of flowery perfume now. Its the roses that are nauseating to me. My mom's whole office sent us breakfast stuff and paper goods. Toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils, muffins, fruit, danishes, doughnuts, breakfast bars and poptarts. That was really nice, my children who were 3 , 8, 8 (twins) at the time were in denial until the funeral. We had no appetite... but they sure did. It really was a help. They wake up hungry and we were not even asleep from the night before and in no condition to be cooking up a mean breakfast. We also had alot of people donate to our baseball league, where our whole family spends most of our time. The flowers were appreciated too and we passes them around. I kept the ones from my immediate family, and the ones sent to the kids from their friends. The mums and azaela bushes we planted and they have grown ten fold in two years.

[Jen Eagan]

I never thought about it with the smell of flowers, so I don't have the same experience there. What I didn't like though was that all the arrangements DIED within a couple days. Like, here, let's spend a ton of money to send these gorgeous flowers to cheer you up and show we care- and then they wilt day after tomorrow. We had a few people send potted plants though, and after 7 years we still have a couple of them. I decided a few years ago I wouldn't send flowers, always a plant.

But I LOVE the idea of giving chocolate! How smart is that.

I honestly don't remember what anyone else sent us after Hannah died. I was so numb and the whole world just spun for an entire chunk of my life.

One thing I do remember though, was my uncle took photos at the funeral- not AT the funeral, but at the little reception thing. I have only looked at them maybe two or 3 times in all these years, but it is nice to be able to look back and see who came (because I would never have remembered).

[Deb Stoner]

All of the flowers were sent directly to the funeral home, so I didn't have that "smell" at our house. I am a flower lover--but I can relate to what you're saying about that overwhelming smell. We had a friend that sent a carton of pansies that I could plant outside, which I loved. The bright colors made me smile. Another friend actually went out and bought me a pr of black pants and a nice sweater that I ended up wearing to Marah's funeral. It was the only thing that I had that fit, as I refused to wear maternity clothes. What a nice gesture! I will always remember that.

[Charlene Lopez]

I too got nauseated by the smell of all the flowers. The worst part of that though, was that our 2 cat's think flowers are a food group. Unfortunately, thier little stomaches can't handle eating them so we were cleaning up every flower they ate and gave back to us so lovingly..yuck Just what we didn't really need at the time.

I really appreicated the casseroles a few of my friends brought over though. We were in no mood to cook, but then would find ourselves hungry after missing a couple of meals without realizing it and it was so nice to be able to warm something up and eat a homecooked comfort meal.

I love the idea of sending a box of cookies, I'm going to keep that one in mind.

[Megan Kitchin]

I think we really only received one basket of flowers when Grayson and Zane died. So I guess I don't associate the scent of flowers with there death. We have two plants which I am determined to keep alive despite my lack of a green thumb. We took lots of flowers to the cemetery, as did my sister, her boys and my mom. I can totally see though how if you were surrounded by them, the smell would be overwhelming.

Love the chocolate idea!!!!!! The most meaningful things done for us when the boys died were stars that were purchased and named for our sons. That was the best, because I can look into the sky, find their stars and talk with them. Also, my husband's work (individual people) donated to the SHARE support group in our boys' names. Because they did it individually, we received like 30 donation cards in the mail. For some reason, seeing how they effected so many people's live was important to us. My relatives donated to the Milwaukee Zoo and had a frog plaque put up with Zane and Grayson's names on it.

Those were the things I remember. And the cards and visits from friends who didn't listen to us wanting to have time alone. Thank goodness they didn't listen!

[Tammy]

We didn't have an over abundance of flowers for Chase either, but we had a few. We took a picture of the arrangements we received, which is in Chase's memory box, a couple of the arrangements went to Chase's grave site. We did get a few angel figurines and ornaments.
Friends and family sent over cookies, bars and casseroles, which was very much appreciated. The thing that stands out for me the most was for the first 2 weeks I was home, my aunt came to the house in the morning to help get my son off to school, and occupied my two year old. Then my sister came out (yes, I live in the sticks... out in the country I mean, on a farm ) in the afternoon until my husband came home from work. They both helped me with housework, laundry, preparing meals, grocery shopping, taking the boys to the park for a while so I could try to sleep etc. I had a good friend who called me everyday for a month or better to see how I was doing. I looked forward to and appreciated her call.
I don't know what I would have done with out my family and friends.
Chocolate and/or food gets my vote. Or even paper products or groceries for the family. One of my husband's friends bought him a case of beer, I thought that was kind of unique. That's definately a man's gesture.... ( I don't mean that negetively in any way)
What neat ideas.

[Michelle Cantley]

Yesterday I sent potted daffodils to one of my families.
They are beautiful, virtually unscented, and if planted in the garden, will come back, year after year.
Perennials are a wonderful way to show your love and support and will help to keep their loved one's memory alive.
Just my 2 cents.
Michelle Cantley
Pulse Photography
Cleveland, OH

[Jessi Hill]

The thing that got me is once people found out my son was in the NICU I really didn't get much for visitors... very few baby gifts or flowers (NOT that I expected them, but that is what they do with healthy babies) I was avoided like the plague!!! Thankfully I met other parents to babies in the NICU who are friends to this day.

For Tristans funeral we recieved mostly plants which was great.... even though I am terrible with them they are doing GREAT!!! I received a basket of perrenials from a neigbor which have grown and are taking over my garden even though I thinned them last year, a gift certificate for a tree from another neighbor.... we got a Whitspire birtch in his memory. These are constant reminders in my backyard and have made it a beautiful place to sit and remember. I got several house plants also.

But I agree the flowers that DIE in a few days to a week... they just make it all that more depressing! I also love angel statues that I received from friends!!!

[Karla]

I hate to flowers die too, But when Cydney Paige was in the hospital, I stood by her side saying all and everything to her, trying to get positive words across so she could fight to stay. I said to her that she has to be strong as a tiger, that ended up being that she is my tiger lily. It has now become my favorite flower, has a lovely scent, I was also grateful that my husband get them especially for her even though they cost a lot, and it means tons that ever so often he would buy one and bring it home or to the cemetery. It's his way!
But I agree that practical useful things do help a Lot!!!!!!! The pair of pants and sweater is the best, I had no clothes also, I borrowed because I did not want to wear maternity. Food and other household things also helps. At such a time we almost certainly will not be thinking of what we are out off! And yes things that are everlasting, like memorial stones for our garden, not that I have one, and windchimes are neat ideas, probably cost less than a floral arrangements!
Karla